Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
