Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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