I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
