Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
