you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
