yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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