I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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