Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
