I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
