You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
