i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
