Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
