There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
