I hate your face
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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