Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
