True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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