Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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