my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
