i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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