Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
