Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
