He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
