What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
