Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
