I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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