chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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