Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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