Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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