What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
