And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
