so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
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i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
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the gays at disneyland are vicious
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.