you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I wish I only lived at night.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."