if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.