The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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