Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
