I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
