good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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