i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
