She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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