he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
