Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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