That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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