I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
