My friends, they love my intelligence
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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