I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
