The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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