The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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