I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
