I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
no, he came in my armpit
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
