Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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