just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
