I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
