your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
