Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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