She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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