Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'd cum for enchiladas.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
