Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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