based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
