Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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