She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
