spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
