Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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