turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
