i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
