My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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