There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
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