Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
